Two Science-Backed Tips for Mentors

Jean Rhodes

Building strong, enduring mentoring relationships depends on many factors, including empathy, proximity, shared interest, and the fit between how mentors and mentees communicate (Fallavollita & Lyons, 2026). Here are two research-based tips that might be helpful to mentors, with important caveats.

Self-disclose, within limits

A study by Reese and Orrach highlights the value of reciprocal self-disclosure in building connections with others. The researchers conducted several studies, analyzing more than 2,600 conversations on platforms such as Reddit and Facebook, as well as text messages and other settings (Reese & Orrach, 2023). The findings indicated that, when individuals respond to someone else’s self-disclosure with a similar personal experience, it fosters feelings of validation, understanding, and care. Reciprocally sharing similar experiences, but not one-upping, helps individuals feel acknowledged and supported.

Recent research adds an important qualification: reciprocity is partly about fit. In a study of 145 matched mentor–mentee dyads, O’Brien and colleagues found that similarity in relational communication, including levels of intimacy and self-disclosure, was associated with greater career satisfaction and commitment. The findings suggested that mentors should calibrate disclosure to the mentee’s comfort and communication style rather than assume that more disclosure is always better (O’Brien et al., 2024).

Dutton and colleagues observed 49 youth mentor–mentee pairs discussing emotions and personal experiences. They found that more intimate mentor disclosure, such as briefly sharing a meaningful or vulnerable experience, was associated with higher mentee-rated relationship quality. By contrast, a high amount of surface-level disclosure about topics such as the mentor’s kids, hobbies, school, or everyday activities was associated with lower relationship quality (Dutton et al., 2023).

Recent youth-mentoring research also points to this sort of emotional attunement. Weiler and colleagues studied 88 mentors in a 12-week site-based mentoring program. Mentors received training in emotion coaching, including emotional awareness, empathetic listening, validation, emotion labeling, and collaborative problem-solving. This sort of emotion coaching was associated with higher mentoring relationship quality (Weiler et al., 2025).  One newer conversation study adds a useful warning. Brooks and Yeomans examined “boomerasking,” asking someone about their experience and then quickly shifting to one’s own story. They found that this pattern can make people seem less responsive and sincere (A. W. Brooks & Yeomans, 2025). Newer experimental research with therapists also suggests that vulnerability is most useful when it is relevant, resolved, and connected to a path forward (Robertson et al., 2025).

A brief, relevant story about feeling uncertain or facing a challenge may help a mentee feel understood. But lengthy or unrelated personal stories can take the focus away from the mentee.

Acknowledge your imperfections, within limits

Studies have shown that people who openly acknowledge their flaws and imperfections are perceived as warmer, more relatable, and more approachable by others. This increased perceived warmth and relatability can foster deeper connections in relationships. In a classic study of the “pratfall effect,” researchers had people evaluate three job candidates. One underperformed, one was nearly perfect, and the third had the same rankings as the perfect candidate but spilled a little coffee on his suit. People liked the “fumbler” best. He seemed more approachable and engendered less envy (Aronson et al., 1966).

More recently, Kumar and Prieto-Flores interviewed 17 college-student mentors and found honest self-assessment, adapting to the mentee’s circumstances, acknowledging cultural and social differences, and admitting mistakes without protecting one’s pride (humility) strengthened relationations.

Importantly, the authors distinguish humility from self-deprecation. Humility involves accurately recognizing one’s limits and being willing to own mistakes. It does not require a mentor to present themselves as incompetent or unworthy of respect. Research on error sharing also finds that acknowledging errors can increase perceived integrity and trust, but it can sometimes lower perceived ability, depending on the error’s visibility and severity (Zhang et al., 2023). Similarly, studies of corrected errors found that small, repaired mistakes can make a communicator seem more human and helpful, while repeated, consequential, or uncorrected errors may instead signal incompetence (Bluvstein et al., 2023).

When mentors demonstrate appropriate vulnerability and acknowledge their mistakes, they can signal honesty and authenticity. But its more subtle than just talking about oneself and being self deprecating. The key is to share thoughtfully, remain accountable, and keep the focus on the mentee.

References.

Aronson, E., Willerman, B., & Floyd, J. (1966). The effect of a pratfall on increasing interpersonal attractiveness. In Psychonomic Science (Vol. 4, pp. 227–228). https://doi.org/10.3758/BF03342263

Bluvstein, S., Zhao, X., Barasch, A., & Schroeder, J. (2023). Imperfectly Human: The Humanizing Potential of (Corrected) Errors in Text-Based Communication. Journal of the Association for Consumer Research, 9, 332–343. https://doi.org/10.1086/728412

Brooks, A., Huang, K., Abi-Esber, N., Buell, R. W., Huang, L., & Hall, B. (2019). Mitigating Malicious Envy: Why Successful Individuals Should Reveal Their Failures. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 148, 667–687. https://doi.org/10.1037/xge0000538

Brooks, A. W., & Yeomans, M. (2025). Boomerasking: Answering your own questions. Journal of Experimental Psychology. General. https://doi.org/10.1037/xge0001693

Dutton, H., Deane, K. L., & Overall, N. (2023). Using Observational Dyadic Methods in Youth Mentoring Research: Preliminary Evidence of the Role of Actors’ and Partners’ Self-disclosure in Predicting Relationship Quality. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 52, 1157–1169. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10964-023-01757-y

Fallavollita, W. L., & Lyons, M. D. (2026). Two years and counting: The dynamics of long-term youth mentoring and association with parent and peer relationships. American Journal of Community Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1002/ajcp.70073

Kumar, A. T., & Prieto-Flores, Ò. (2024). “I am not any Greater than you are” Cultivation of Humility in Higher Education through Mentoring. Innovative Higher Education, 50, 947–965. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10755-024-09759-9

O’Brien, K. E., Mann, K., & Woody, B. A. (2024). Mentor–Protégé Matching Regarding Communication Relates to Career Attitudes. Journal of Career Development, 52, 3–20. https://doi.org/10.1177/08948453241298651

Reese, Z. A., & Orrach, K. (2023). Reciprocal self-disclosure: Although respondents are reluctant to steal the spotlight, self-disclosers feel validated, understood, and cared for when respondents share comparable experiences. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 40, 3485–3514. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075231174530

Robertson, A. M., Cruwys, T., Stevens, M., & Platow, M. (2025). Leading by example: Experimental evidence that therapist lived experience disclosures can model the path to recovery for clients. British Journal of Psychology, 116, 409–431. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjop.12759

Weiler, L. M., Zhou, H., Krafchick, J. L., Zimmerman, T. S., Haddock, S. A., Frank, S., Josep, B., & Mickelson, K. (2025). A Mixed-Method Exploration of an emotion coaching approach within youth mentoring. Children and Youth Services Review. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.childyouth.2025.108200

Zhang, K., Zhao, B., & Yin, K. (2023). The Double‐Edged Sword of Error Sharing in Organizations: From A Self‐Disclosure Perspective. Journal of Management Studies. https://doi.org/10.1111/joms.13003