“I get it and I care:” The power of validation
By Jean Rhodes
The 50th edition of the Harvard Youth Poll, a survey of over 2000 young Americans paints a grim picture of a generation grappling with economic challenges, social disconnection, and a sense of pessimism about the future. The truth is that many mentors are also feeling overwhelmed and discouraged by these troubling times, and struggling to respond to young people’s angst. The research suggests that the simple act of validating feelings can be an enormously powerful way to help.
In fact, validation is one of the most impactful yet often overlooked processes in mentoring relationships. It affirms the legitimacy of youth’s experiences, feelings, and perspectives in ways that foster connection and understanding
The Science of Validation in Mentoring Relationships
Validation-the act of acknowledging and accepting another’s feelings and experiences as understandable-has well-documented neurological and relational benefits. For example, research shows that validating responses can reduce stress and promote feelings of psychological safety (Linehan, 1993). Linehan’s six-level validation framework demonstrates that even simple acts, such as attentive listening and paraphrasing, can signal safety and acceptance to youth.
Caroline Fleck, PhD, a clinical psychologist and expert on validation, has written an excellent new book on validation with direct implications for mentor training. As she notes, validation is not praise, problem-solving, or agreement. Instead, it is a communication skill that demonstrates mindfulness, understanding, and empathy in ways that convey acceptance. Validating another person’s perspective does not necessarily reinforce it. In fact, research shows that people are less likely to become entrenched in their views when they feel understood, even in the face of disagreement. As such, validation can help people find common ground.
Validation can be broken down into three key components: mindfulness (being fully present), understanding (recognizing the logic or emotion behind another’s experience), and empathy (emotionally resonating with their feelings). Not every situation requires all three; sometimes, simple mindfulness is enough to make someone feel seen (Fleck, 2025).
Drawing on Fleck’s framework and the broader literature, mentors can practice validation in the following ways:
- Be fully present: Give undivided attention, using nonverbal cues to show you’re engaged.
- Reflect and paraphrase: Summarize what the young person has said to show you’re listening (“It sounds like you’re frustrated because…”).
- Name emotions and logic: Acknowledge the feelings and the reasoning behind them, even if you disagree (“Given what happened, it totally makes sense you’d feel that way”).
- Avoid immediate problem-solving: Resist the urge to fix or debate. Let your validation stand on its own before moving to solutions.
- Validate even without agreeing: Look for what’s valid in their perspective, and communicate that, even if your ultimate view differs.
Importantly, validation is a learnable skill that can bridge divides, defuse conflict, and make young people feel truly seen. In a world where so many feel unheard, this is a gift every mentor can offer.
