Deceptively Simple Yet Very Effective: The Underrated Power of Follow-Up Questions
As we gear up for the fall, here’s a simple, often overlooked conversational tool: thoughtful follow-up questions. Their power lies in their ability to show genuine interest, something that is universally appreciated. Across a series of experiments and real-world scenarios, including the high-stakes environment of speed-dating, relationship experts (Yeomans et al., 2017) found that people who asked more questions—especially follow-up questions—were consistently more liked by their conversation partners.
The implications for mentoring are clear. A mentor may start with good intentions and a good question for their mentee (e.g., what are your career goals?) but then, in response, launch into a detailed description of their own career journey and the lessons they learned along the way. That’s not the best way to build relationships. What if instead the mentor dug deeper with questions like…”Cool, what about that field interests you?; how did you first learn about it?, How do you see that field building on your natural talents? Where do you see yourself in five or ten years?”
As Michael Yeomans, Assistant Professor at Imperial College recently explained in a wonderful APA podcast, Speaking of Psychology, “I think very often the strategy we take when we’re trying to meet somebody is to impress them, to give them a lot of interesting statements about ourselves or about the most recent news or the context around us. But very often what people have on their mind when they’re meeting you is not just, is this person interesting, but are they interested in me? Are they demonstrating that they care about what I’m saying? That they want to hear more? Research shows that asking follow-up questions is one of the most effective ways to build rapport and demonstrate genuine interest... So questions that appreciate what a person just said, and then dig deeper to help them build more. It’s nice because it demonstrates listening. So by asking a follow-up question, I’m asking a question that I only could have asked if I had been listening to what you just said, right? So it’s proof, right? I can sit here and nod and make eye contact and give you little back channels while I’m waiting for my turn to say something, but that’s not real proof of grounded listening.
But if I can ask questions that show that I’m following the story, that I’m dying to know what’s coming next, that’s a really great way to get people to like you more because they feel like you’re interested in them. It’s also nice because it keeps the conversation going. It just gives them one more thing to say on a topic that they’ve already revealed a preference for talking about.
And so I try and get in the habit of asking as many follow-up questions as I can. And I think you’d be surprised when you meet somebody, especially if they’re a little nervous, if they’re worried about how they’re coming across, you could ask a lot of follow-up questions before they ask you a question in return. And so you’ll learn a lot. But then also they’ll also get the side benefit of having them like you more!”
Also on the podcast was best-selling author Charles Duhigg who underscored this point in his excellent new book Supercommunicators (2024), As he noted, “Nobody ever says, ‘You’re just too interested in me.'” The power of follow-up questions is further supported by the concept of perceived partner responsiveness, a key component of effective communication. As researchers like Harry T. Reis and Guy Itzchakov have noted, when people feel that their conversation partners are truly listening—demonstrated through behaviors like asking good follow-up questions—they are more likely to feel connected and satisfied with the interaction. This perception of responsiveness is essential in developing close, trusting relationships, whether in personal or professional settings.
Duhigg and Yeomans covered other key evidence-based principles that can help improve conversational skills, strengthen relationships, and foster more productive disagreements.
Practice active listening
Active listening involves fully engaging with the speaker and demonstrating understanding. The “looping for understanding” technique, where you paraphrase what you’ve heard and ask for confirmation, has been shown to improve communication in conflict situations (Yeomans et al., 2020). Duhigg describes this technique as repeating back “in your own words what you heard them say, and then you ask them if you got it right” (Duhigg, 2024).
Embrace vulnerability
Sharing personal experiences and values can foster deeper connections. They describe the “Fast Friends Protocol” developed by Aron et al. (1997) which demonstrated that structured self-disclosure could rapidly build intimacy between strangers. It works because it enables “reciprocal vulnerability, because I ask you a question that asks you to be a little bit vulnerable, you answer it, and then I respond by answering that same question myself.”
Be receptive during disagreements
When facing disagreement, focus on building trust rather than persuasion. Research by Yeomans et al. (2020) found that using “conversational receptiveness” techniques, such as acknowledging the other person’s perspective and expressing humility, can lead to more productive discussions. Yeomans and his colleagues have developed a suite of conversational tools called “conversational receptiveness,” which involves “active engagement with people you disagree with.”
Related work
In his wonderful new book, 10 to 25: A Groundbreaking Approach to Leading the Next Generation—And Making Your Own Life Easier, researcher David Yeager provides additional insights into the crucial role of listening in adolescent development and relationships. Yeager’s research on adolescent development and social-emotional learning underscores the importance of creating environments where adolescents feel respected, heard, and understood. His work suggests that when adults, particularly teachers and mentors, practice active listening and demonstrate genuine interest in adolescents’ perspectives, it can significantly enhance their sense of belonging, motivation, and overall well-being.
Bottom line
Effective conversation is a skill that can be developed through practice and awareness. By understanding conversational goals, employing active listening techniques, embracing vulnerability, and paying attention to non-verbal cues, individuals can significantly improve their communication abilities. As research continues to uncover the intricacies of human interaction, we gain valuable insights into fostering more meaningful and productive conversations.
Read more of Michael Yeoman’s conversation ideas
